Need your opinion…

Hi everyone! 

I’ve been working on my teen fantasy, Immortal Rose tonight and wanted to post the prologue to the book.  I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on it so far.  This book is a bit darker than I’ve ever written before, but I love to stretch myself as a writer. 

Romania, 1689
A droplet of crimson blood trailed towards the tip of the lowered sword as it paused in its quest for death.  The well dressed man turned, his pale white skin glowing in the moonlight directly above.  The blood moon. 
“Roseline,” the man called, his voice hauntingly calm in the midst of such desolation.  Vladimir Enescue’s piercing black eyes turned slowly in search of her.  Roseline’s skin crawled as she cradled her sixteen year old sister in her arms.  Roseline’s white gown was soiled with the blood of her family, her friends, and her wedding guests.  “Come out, my Love.  It’s time.”
The stone isles ran red with blood, oozing slowly towards the alter where Roseline Dragomir knelt.  She could still see her father’s hand, his golden family ring splattered with blood, sticking out from behind the alter.  She hadn’t seen her mother fall, but Roseline had heard her terrified screams cut off mere seconds after the massacre had begun. 
The wailing of the dying had finally ceased, leaving only an eerie silence in the church.  Footsteps approached.  Roseline covered Adela’s mouth with her hand.  Terrified baby blue eyes stared back at her, eyes that pleaded with her to escape.  But where could they go?
Lucien Enescue, Vladimir’s sadistic older brother, had happily blocked the doors as Vladimir eagerly murdered all those present for the midnight ceremony.  Roseline had warned her father about Vladimir.  She’d seen the evil in his cold black eyes the moment she’d first met him.  But her father hadn’t listened to her pleas.  All he’d cared about was Vladimir’s money.  A lot of good that did him now!
Vladimir tsked, twirling around and around through the pile of bodies, giggling like a drunken fool.  “It was lovely to meet your family.  They were just dying to meet me,” he cackled, tucking his stained sword back into its sheath. 
Roseline’s heart beat frantically in her chest.  Adela trembled in her arms as she looked around, desperately searching for a weapon.  Something Roseline could use to stop the monster from hurting her sister. 
She motioned for Adela to remain hidden as she lunged for the golden cross that’d fallen from the alter.  Roseline rose to her full height, praying she appeared far more confident that she really was.  She grasped the cross in a death grip, praying that God would forgive her for using his cross in such a vile manner.  “Leave us alone.”
Vladimir turned towards her, his teeth bloody as he grinned.  “So there you are.  I was beginning to think you were going to be rude on our wedding night.”  He swiped his tongue across his lips, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the flavor. 
Roseline forced herself to look only at Vladimir, her…husband.  By all rights she belonged to him now.  She’d spoken the damning vow, albeit against her wishes.  “Please, let my sister go free.”
Lucien’s laughter sent chills racing down her spine.  If she’d thought Vladimir was the epitome of evil, she’d been wrong.  Lucien’s lifeless eyes flamed with blood lust, his pallid skin rosy with excitement.  Lucien loved a good massacre.  He didn’t even try to hide his glee as he licked the stream of blood flowing from her cousin’s neck.  “Why should we?  She’s your wedding gift.”
Roseline flinched, unable to stop herself from darting a worried glance towards her sister’s hiding place.  In a flash, Lucien rose with a struggling Adela in his hand.  His fingers wound tightly through her white blond hair as he pulled her forward.
“Please,” Roseline cried, dropping to her knees in front of her husband.  “Please have mercy on her.”  Her trembling hands pawed at his legs as she fought back the bile rising in her throat. 
“Mercy?” Vladimir muttered, rolling the word around on his tongue as if he’d never heard it before.  “Rise dear Roseline.”
She stood, her knees loudly knocking together as she reached for her sister.  Lucien smirked as he held her sister just out of reach.  Adela strained to touch Roseline’s fingers but Lucien’s cruel cat and mouse game amused him too much.
“Tonight is a celebration.  Of our union…and your birth.” Vladimir’s loud voice boomed through the tomb like church. 
Roseline’s brow knit as she turned towards Vladimir in confusion.  “My Lord?” She worked hard to keep the terror out of her voice as she spoke to him with the title that was fitting for such a man of his stature. 
“It is the blood moon, my Love.  We have little time,” Vladimir whispered, staring up at the moon that was nearly directly overhead.  Roseline’s stomach churned at the reverent awe in his voice.  “Lucien.”
His brother yanked Adela’s head to the side, presenting Vladimir with her bared neck.  Adel’s whimpering turned into wailing pleas for mercy.  Her terrified eyes locked onto Roseline’s, her hands outstretched.
“Please.  Don’t!” Roseline screamed as a glint of silver flashed out.  A gush of blood exploded from Adela’s neck, her grimace weakening as her life’s blood drained away. 
“Hurry brother,” Lucien warned.  “The blood moon won’t last long.”
“Yes, you’re right of course,” Vladimir muttered, wiping the knife clean.  He approached Roseline, a look of slight regret on his face.  “I’m truly sorry my dear.  This will only hurt for a moment.  And then we will be together forever.”
Roseline’s eyes remained locked onto her dying sister as she felt the dagger plunge into her heart.  Her knees gave way as flames licked up the church walls, charring the tapestries that depicted hand woven likenesses of Christ. 
Blackness swooped in as Roseline collapsed to the floor, hovering on the edge of losing consciousness.  She writhed in agony until something sweet dripped into her mouth.  Roseline weakly licked her lips, savoring the taste.  “Drink, my Love.”
A burning began in her stomach, radiating out of her with frightening speed.  Her toes curled, fingers clenched into claws as she clung to the taste.  The need gave way to unrelenting hunger.  The pain in her chest vanished, replaced by healing warmth.
And then…the pain began.

3 thoughts on “Need your opinion…

  1. Hi, Amy.I think you're off to a great start. Great use of tension and emotion. As someone who writes darkly quite often, it's really well done. My only critique would be to be careful of your word choice. The first sentence uses droplet and then dripped. Try to avoid alliteration, and maybe instead of dripped use fell or lingered. Also, I was a little confused at first between Vladmir and Lucien, it took a few sentences to get who was who. Other than that, I think you're off to a fantastic start.All the best, Shannon

  2. Thanks Shannon! It's always helpful to get advice from other authors. My writers group is kinda on the fritz at the moment and I'm really missing their helpful critiques!

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